If you're a parent, you probably know that kids are masters at finding your buttons - you know, the ones that make your blood pressure rise, face turn colors, eyes bug out, and vocal decibels increase exponentially. I call them "crazy buttons" because they have the capability of making perfectly sane parents feel crazy and seem...well...a lot less in control of themselves than they would probably like to be.
Kids love pushing crazy buttons. Some a lot more than others. If you've got one who's especially adept at it, I feel for you. It can make life seem really rough sometimes. The good news is that there are ways to make the situation better! The first step to problem solving is understanding, so let's try looking at the crazy button phenomenon from a kid's perspective for a moment.
Watching Mom fall off her rocker and Dad fly off the handle is fun. I mean, it's seriously entertaining to some kids. Who knew that Mom and Dad could contort their faces and change their voices in those ways? If we push the button again, will the same thing happen?
Kids have an innate need to feel in control. Those crazy buttons have a huge pay-off. Controlling Mom and Dad's emotions and behavior on a grand scale can be such a thrill! Feeling powerless? Push crazy button for short-cut to power recharge. Easy as pie!
Kids require attention. They need to feel connected to Mom and Dad, but sometimes connection is hard to come by. Let's face it - life is busy. In the midst of parents going to work, cleaning the house, maintaining the yard, spending time with friends, attending siblings' extra-curricular functions, etc., sometimes kids feel disconnected and insignificant. It's tough to communicate that to Mom and Dad. But there's one thing that is sure to not be ignored...the crazy button! Push that, and Mom's head will turn. You'll have Dad's undivided attention. No doubt about it. Sure, it's not the ideal positive connection. But at least it's something, and there's always more where that came from!
Ok, that's just a glimpse into what your kid may be thinking when he pushes your crazy buttons repeatedly. Now I'll give you a few suggestions to make it stop.
First, try really hard not to make such a fantastic reactive display. If you remain calm on the outside (even if you are beginning to feel crazy on the inside), your kids will be less likely to push that particular button again. It's just not fun, and the element of control is gone. So set your behavior limits and follow through consistently with consequences, but leave the external emotional reaction out of the equation. I know that's really hard to do sometimes. If you need help unpacking intense emotional responses to crazy buttons, ask for help from a counselor! It's really a common problem and usually pretty easily fixed.
Second, allow your kids to have a little more control. They'll be less likely to seek control in destructive ways if you're freely offering it to them in other areas of life. This can be a simple task. "Do you want to wear the blue dress or the red dress today?" "Would you like to have cheerios or oatmeal for breakfast?" Little decisions go a long way to make little people feel powerful.
Third, spend quality time with your kids. Have one-on-one time with each kid individually, if possible. It doesn't really have to be a huge block of time. The connection is the most important thing. During your quality time, do something fun that your kid wants to do. Focus on her. Notice and comment on what she's doing and how she's feeling. Keep it positive. Make regular one-on-one time a priority in your schedule. Sometimes when kids go through periods of transition or stress, the need for connection increases. So if you find that the crazy button seems to be getting more use, you might try adding a little shot of extra quality time.